Friday, August 25, 2006

Do I want to be an actor this badly?

Another one from the "Craigslist Weird files"

(this is an actual job notice)

"We're looking for actors who can develop pieces of theater, scenic [sic] deisgners, composers, playwrights, visual, musical, and performing artists. We have read Schechner and Peter Brook but this is 2006. We are idealists but really just want to work. You will be paid but you won't just be handed a pre-packaged play on a platter, maybe you won't even have a "role" maybe you'll have to scientifically explore what it means to put [sic] behaviour on stage. Maybe you'll have to whisper your lines while standing in a sink in an apartment full of sweaty audience members.

Recently moved to the city? A student of theater at one of these esteemed universities? Free falling in a world where Gurney rules and the audiences are full of deaf, blind old women? Love Grotowski but aren't a hippie? Want this generation of theatre to be "the one? E-mail ******* with your resume, ideas, and questions and we'll set up an interview/audition."

[I have omitted the theater's name & contact information to try to stave off the hordes of hate mail that would, undoubtedly, come their way from my loyal blog subscribers...]

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Join me in seeing Randi Driscoll TONIGHT in NYC

Randi is an amazing singer/songwriter, and Noah is her fearless, wonderful percussionist. You can call for reservations, the information is below.


Randi Driscoll and Noah Heldman


Saturday - August 19th NYC 8PM
The Metropolitan Room
34 West 22nd Street, NYC

With very special guests

For reservations please call 212-206-0440

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

The best boss... ever

I am doing my daily browse through the Craigslist “Gigs” section for acting jobs, and I see this notice posted:


Looking for 2 male & 1 female actors (West Village)
Date: 2006-08-15, 11:00PM EDT

Hi - i own a brokerage firm on 23rd street between 5 and 6 - (stock - not real estate) and my company is finally getting done with what has been an extremely trying time - in essence, my firm has whethered the impossible and i am able to give myself and my employees a second chance to achieve great things -

however, I want them to know the feeling of what it was like had things not gone as i had hoped and if we actually had to close our doors (they dont know that the firm survived yet) i want that feeling that they have thinking this is done to be their motivation to give 110% going forward.....

bla bla bla - sorry - but i need a few guys to pose as movers and someone else to act as a type of "consultant" that i have hired to close the shop down.....

i want to do this tomorrow early afternoon - let me know if you have an interest- thank you


WTF ???????!!!!!!!!!!!

How about just gathering your employees and saying, “Good job. We couldn’t have done it without you. There’s a lot of work ahead of us, and we need your help...”

Bosses like this deserve unmotivated employees.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

I'm a Manhattanite!

Well, I will be as of this afternoon. I am up bright and early in anticipation of the movers, who will be taking Tom's and my stuff to our brand new apartment in Manhattan. Technically, we are living in a part of the Upper East Side called Yorkville (thanks to Tom's dad for looking that up in Wikipedia for us). As much as I love my roommates, it will be so cool to have a place that Tom and I can call our own. Yippee!!!

I have put some pictures of the painting adventures on Flickr (see them here), and I will take more pics today too. Tom and I have a bet on how long the move will take. I say 4 hours, give or take 30 minutes. He thinks 7 hours. What's on the line? A 6 pack of beer. I am gonna win this one, folks.

Wednesday, August 9, 2006

Be a voyeur

New pics have been posted!

Also, what's the fun of voyeurism if you can't admit to it? If you stop by, leave a comment!

Friday, August 4, 2006

It defies all reason

I’m not kidding. This really happened.

I was walking my dog this morning, and a really nice girl came walking by and asked to pet my dog. We chatted for a few minutes, then she thanked me for letting her pet Denver and moved on. As I looked up to say goodbye, a man approached me. He was in his mid thirties, Asian, with shorts and a t-shirt on and a lanyard around his neck with some sort of badge (probably from his work). Naturally I assumed he wanted to pet the dog too, but instead, he started asking me questions (in a very thick accent that was hard to understand.)

Him - How much for the dog?
Me - What?
Him - How much pay for the dog?
Me - I’m sorry, what do you mean? How much did I pay for the dog, or...?
Him - No, no, how much you want for the dog?
Me - What? She is not for sale.
Him - No, what did you pay for the dog? How much would that dog be if I wanted her?
Me - Uh, I got her at a shelter (which wasn’t true, I got her at a pet store in Malibu that sell puppies on behalf of owners who can’t keep them, but that would take too long to explain. Plus, I support no-kill shelters and wish I had rescued her, so I thought I would do a little plug for animal rescue.)
Him - So, how much then. It’s free, right? Since it is a shelter?
Me - No, it’s like $50-$100, depending on the dog.
Him - (as he starts to get belligerent) So, this company just takes all of the money then. Why? Why do you have to pay?
Me - Well, because they vaccinate the pets and have medical staff on duty, and they shelter the pets until someone can take them home.
Him - But why isn’t it free? I should be able to just take the dog home.
Me - Uh, not really, but whatever you say.
Him - The dog should be free. If it is rescued, why should they make money? If I see a dog on the street, I should be able to just pick him up and he is mine, right?
Me - No.
Him - Why not? I am rescuing it, and then I can ask for money too.
Me - Uh, you know, I am not the right person to ask. Maybe you should call a shelter and ask them.
Him - But why can’t it be mine? Why?
Me - Uh...
Him - If the dog is just running around the street, the owner is not taking care of it and I can just pick it up and take it home and it would be mine.
Me - Uh... I don’t think so.
Him - Why?
Me - Um, maybe because you probably shouldn’t take things that don’t belong to you.
Him - (remember, he has a thick accent) But why can’t it be mine? I found it. It’s mine.
Me - (as I start to walk away) You know what? I am not the right person to ask. You should probably just look up a shelter on the internet and find out there.
Him - I don’t have the internet!
Me - Sorry...
Him - I don’t have a computer. Tell me why it can’t be mine if I find it?
Me - (backing away slowly) I have to go. Good luck!
Him - I don’t have a computer.
Me - Well, then use the yellow pages and call on the phone.
Him - But I don’t have a quarter!
Me - (walking away, shaking head)
Him - I need a quarter! A quarter? I don’t have a phone! Help me!

Then he turns around and walks the opposite direction from me and never looks back.

Conversations like this defy all reason. Was he looking to pick a fight against some unsuspecting dog owner? Did he just want someone to talk to? Or did he simply need a quarter and wanted to come up with clever conversation in order to get it?

Ponderous man, really ponderous...

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