Things to do in the days before you turn 30

- Sleep. A lot. It would suck to conk out during your birthday party. The “over the hill” jokes would never cease.

- Look through your old yearbook and imagine all of the popular girls as now being fat mothers of 4.

- While looking through said yearbook, do NOT allow yourself to think that everyone in it is married but you. It is a choice, dammit.

- Become unemployed. It is really important to go into your 3rd decade with few to no prospects.

- Figure out how old you’d be in dog years: that obscenely larger number will make you feel better.

- Go online to find out how many hot celebrities are over the age of 29.

- Honor your love of “Glam Rock,” Nerds candy, Twin Peaks and classic Nintendo.

- Contemplate everything you thought you would do in your twenties, but haven’t, and mentally shift that list to your thirties. C’mon, it is socially acceptable for a thirty-something to want to leap frog through Central Park.

- Oh, god, I just said thirty-something. Wasn’t that a show in the 1990s about old people?

- Abandon “Things To Do” lists. They... uh... inhibit spontaneity. Yeah, that’s it.