Wednesday, September 30, 2015

The Art of Healing

This amazing piece of artwork is by Marilyn Huerta
I’ve been away from writing for a while as I try to get used to my new normal - life with cancer. It’s something I talk about with ease when people ask questions, and yet now as I write I get a chill as I write the words: I have cancer.

The truth is: I never talk about how I FEEL about having cancer.

Does that surprise you? Most people comment about how open I've been and how much of an impact that's made. So how can I assert that you don't know how I feel?

I chalk this up to always being a person who is perfectly open with talking about what I think about how I feel.

I'll say that again. I talk about WHAT I THINK about how I feel.

It’s a trap that I’ve enjoyed living in for quite a long time. If I’m willing to talk about things openly, people will naturally assume I’m being open. But the expression of how I feel and how things occur for me is different than talking about details and facts. And so this blog - distinct from my medical blog - is part of my quest to unlock my true expression, in a way that can be cathartic for me and (hopefully) illuminating for you.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how art and creative expression make a difference for those who are dealing with extreme difficulties. I’ve already written here about how I was able to use the terrifying moments of my diagnosis and subsequent testing to fuel my work in BOY GETS GIRL presented by The Seeing Place (click to read that post.) But that was pre-treatment, at a time when I was still full of energy and the “battle” was on the horizon, not yet in my daily life. Now that I’m in the middle of aggressive treatment, art is becoming a healing of a different kind.

Many people who know me have looked at me concerned when I say that this fall I’m producing two plays, one in which I’m starring and the other co-directing. Those who know me know that I have always been indefatigable, never slow down, and always have a dozen or so projects at any given time. People beg me to rest, and to take time for myself, and to listen to my body. They hope that my doing so will mean that I step aside from projects or take on less so that I can shore up my reserves to fight this cancer that is trying to overtake my body.

It was good advice. And I contemplated that. What would it be like to step aside for one program of shows? Could I just silently produce the pieces without the effort of directing or acting? It would definitely be easier physically for me to pull back. And it would wipe to worried looks off the faces of the people who care about me the most. And so, with careful consideration I made a plan with my theater company to see how I could step back without the work being impacted adversely. I thought I was being smart. I thought I was being generous.

And then I stopped and listened to my body. Like, REALLY listened. Not just to the physical core, which tells me what kinds of mountains I’ll be able to climb, but also the spiritual core which fills me with the drive and passion to continue to make a difference in the world. And that part was dying.

If I pull back from the one thing that makes me feel whole in the world - telling stories - cancer wins. If I say, “I’ll set back just as a producer on these projects so that other people have the chance to feel the things I should be feeling and learn the things I should be learning through a character that I’ve been meant to play...” - how can I look at myself in the mirror each morning? How can I brush aside everything I’ve been working up to, in the name of “being good to myself”?

It just doesn’t make sense. Cancer can’t win - I must win. Art must win. Expression must win. Chemo, surgery and radiation will heal my body, but if I lose my soul in the process - what good am I to this world, and to myself?

So I told my body - I’m open, and I’m listening. And it said:

Heal your soul through art.

I knew it wouldn't be easy. And knew I still needed to answer the nagging questions about time, energy, and money which are finite and fleeting. I laid out all of my options, and asked myself one key question: How would I like to spend my time, and what will serve me best in the most holistic sense, including finances, home/family, friends, business, art, personal growth/reflection? I found that with good time management and clarity of purpose, I can have the exact life that I want without having to give anything up - in fact, everything will occur like this is the way it was meant to be all along.

So rather than step back from things that mattered, I have gone about restructuring everything in my life around that really matters to me - sort of stepping into a new kind of reality: My New Normal.

• I reduced my career coaching hours to a focused 15 per week (down from a haphazard 30+) and brought on 2 amazing marketing & PR associates to help me take on tasks that I’ve never had time to do but are vital to growing the business. The ultimate goal? Bring on a staff of coaches who can expand the services I’ve been providing while reducing my workload. MORE TIME AND ENERGY FOR ME = CHECK

• I deepened my commitment to developing The Seeing Place’s key ensemble members to take on leadership positions, which will position our company far better than I ever could alone, and will allow me to step up my game while reducing my workload. MORE TIME AND ENERGY FOR ME = CHECK

• I’m examining my relationships and saying "no" far more often, but I’m also saying "YES!" more often as well. I’ve noticed that in my frenzy to fit everything in to my schedule I’ve been someone who says “maybe” and then can’t be counted on. Learning to say no while still being love and support for people is a real challenge, but in doing so I improve my relationships with others and reduce the amount of interpersonal stress and anxiety. MORE TIME AND ENERGY FOR ME = CHECK

• And I’m opening my life to brand new experiences that never before were possible. I explore the city far more often as I try to work exercise into a daily routine. I’m checking off massive to-do list items that have plagued me for years. I’m accepting the gifts of time, advice and love from my friends and family, which has led to things like astrology readings, last minute karaoke, looking at puppies in windows, my first ever acupuncture treatment, coloring books, and playing with bubbles.

I have no idea what it’s going to be like to do a play while receiving chemo treatment. But dammit, I’m not going to bow out before the starting whistle has even been blown.

Take that, cancer.

--- 

To read about all things medical, including how I’ve been doing with chemo treatments, click here.

Want to help? I’ve created a wish list of things that would really make a difference as I go through treatment. Click here.

I love comments almost as much as getting mail. Leave something below!


Erin Cronican's career as a professional actor and career coach has spanned the last 25 years in New York City, Los Angeles and San Diego. She has appeared in major feature films and on television, and has toured nationally with plays and musicals. She has worked in the advertising & marketing departments of major corporations, film production companies, theater magazines, and non-profit acting organizations. For more information, please visit http://www.erincronican.com.

4 comments:

  1. Your attitude is so inspiring! It sounds like you've really thought this through, and only you know what's best for you right now - I'm glad you're following your gut and doing fulfilling things and making things easier for yourself!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Emily. That really means a lot. I feel so strongly that this is might right path...

      Delete
  2. You and Dame Maggie--tough broads telling cancer to bugger off and get out of your way. I get it. You know what makes you happiest, and you have to follow that joy. Cancer is not going to win. Nope will not. Cheering you from afar. Only wish I could be in NYC to see you on stage. xoxoxox

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the love from afar! :) I love that you mention me and Dame Maggie in the same sentence. (And, as a side note, I sort of think of YOU as Dame Maggie!)

      Delete

Thanks for commenting- YOU ROCK!


The Fine Print

All content in this here blog is released under a Creative Commons by-NC-ND license. That means you're free to share it, republish it, refer to it, include it in your wedding vows, whatever... PROVIDED you

a) credit me (with my name, my blog's name, and a link back to my site- displayed at the top of the blog)
b) you don't change anything
c) you don't use it to make money.

To view the license, click here. To learn more about Creative Commons, click here.

Popular Posts


Top Blogs Acting blogs & blog posts Arts Directory for New York, New York
Blog Directory & Search engine Blog Directory My BlogCatalog BlogRank
Follow the erin cronicals